5 Things We Can Each Do To Make Social Media And The Internet A Kinder And More Tolerant Place
When we have a “crowd” of followers “cheering us on” there becomes a “tribalistic mob mentality” that takes effect which can directly embolden the individual to push the limits.
Asa part of my interview series about the things we can each do to make social media and the internet a kinder and more tolerant place, I had the pleasure to interview Dr. Mark Mayfield. Dr. Mark Mayfield is a licensed professional counselor (LPC), a Board Certified Counselor, and the Founder and CEO of Mayfield Counseling Centers. Dr. Mayfield has over Over 14 years of professional counseling experience in clinical, judicial, and faith-based counseling settings. Dr. Mayfield is available for media interviews to discuss topics including, but not limited to, substance abuse, especially within the adolescent community, family therapy and equine related therapy, especially related to veterans with partial or full PTSD.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share your “backstory” with us?
Igrew up in a small town in Southern California, had a great group of friends, and was successful in school. Prior to my fourth-grade year my parents informed me that we would be moving to Colorado. This up-ended my life. I didn’t know anyone in Colorado and I had to start all over making friends. I was a unique kid. I was different. I looked like a white version of Steve Urkel from that 90’s TV show “Family Matters”. My pants were too high, I had braces, glasses, was socially awkward, and very clumsy. Making friends did not happen. After several years of being ostracized, bullying from several boys began. Every day I would be shoved into a locker, thrown into a trash can, given a swirly, verbally assaulted, and pushed down or tripped in the hallway. Going to school became a nightmare. I became very sick the spring semester of my 6th grade year. I was 12 years old. I contracted a migraine headache that would last over 6 months. During that period of being poked, prodded, and tested, I decided I wanted the pain to end and I attempted to end my life. After my stint in the hospital, my family and I began to receive counseling, and it was determined that my migraine headaches were a physical representation of emotional and mental pain. Counseling saved my life. From that point on I always knew I would be a counselor, I just didn’t know what path I would take. I started out as a youth minister/clergy in a popular Colorado mountain town, but after a completed suicide and an overdose, I quickly began to realize my training needed bolstered and I went back to school to get my masters and PhD in Counseling. Since my graduation from my masters in Counseling I have worked with hundreds of thousands of youth and their families helping them find the same restoration and healing I found with my counselor so many years earlier
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?
Many years ago, I used to run court ordered groups for adolescents. I would run groups for adolescents that were caught dealing drugs, and adolescents that were caught using drugs. The group became so popular with the court system I was asked to develop groups that worked with convicted adolescent gang-members. In one specific group (which lasted 36 weeks) I had this young man that, for 12 weeks, would not say anything. He was probably 17 years old and a part of a local gang. His silence held power and after 12 weeks I was tired of him holding the power, so I confronted him. He immediately got up, got in my face, and started cussing me out. I calmly sat there and allowed him to finish. When he was done berating me, I asked if he felt better. He looked at me with a confused look on his face and stated, “you’re not going to hit me?”. I said “no”. He turned around and sat back down in his chair, with the rest of the group looking on. In that moment I had broken a stereotype for this young man. I showed him that it was okay to emote, to be mad, and to let it out. He later became a leader in the group and disclosed that he had been in the gang since birth (parents were the O.G.’s or Original Gangsters). He wanted to get out of the gang and make something of his life but if he did, he would most likely die. We were able to work with his probation officers and get him moved to a different state where he could start over without fear. That was over 10 years ago, and I often think about him and how he is doing.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Several exciting things:
My new book “Help! My Teen is Self-Injuring: A Crisis Manual for Parents” will be available as a free e-book download in the next couple of months.
I just signed a deal with a publisher to write the book “The Loneliness Epidemic”
My non-profit counseling practice is looking to expand into a third location to help individuals, couples and families find Clarity, Hope, and Purpose through low-cost, accessible, and quality mental health services.
My non-profit counseling practice is also dreaming about developing a transitional housing program for teenagers aging out of the foster-care system. The program would provide a safe place for them to live while the received job skills, life skills, counseling, medication management, coaching, etc.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the main focus of our interview. Have you ever been publicly shamed or embarrassed on social media? Can you share with our readers what that experience felt like?
The more I am on the forefront of mental health reform I can also be a target on social media. I had made a comment awhile ago that there can be a direct link between antibiotic use and depression and that individuals should consult with their doctors and counselors to make sure that if they are on an antibiotic that they are also monitoring the potential for depression (especially if they have a propensity for depression). Gut health is directly linked to mental health. I immediately had this person chastise me for not knowing what I was talking about. They called me out on social media and insinuated that I was a fraud and that I didn’t know what I was talking about. Mind you, I didn’t even know who this woman was. After her written tirade, I posted links to all the research that this information came from…and she didn’t respond.
The overall experience was maddening. I try my best to engage in quality, researched, evidenced based content. Beyond that I pride myself in being open, honest, and teachable. This interaction was hard because the individual assumed certain things about me without truly knowing me.
What did you do to shake off that negative feeling?
In all honesty, I allowed time to pass. I reminded myself that this individual didn’t know me and therefore made inaccurate assumptions about me. I also allowed myself to emote, to process, to vent with close friends, mentors, and my spouse. It was very cathartic.
Have you ever posted a comment on social media that you regretted because you felt it was too harsh or mean?
Not on social media (because of my position in the community, I work really hard to post well). I did, however write an email to a professor that was less than kind. I received a C- on a paper that I had spent a lot of time and energy on. When I received the grade, I felt that the professor was biased and graded me down because he didn’t agree with me. In an email I let him know what I thought of him. It eventually got back to the dean and I was called into a meeting with the both of them and had to apologize. I realized that I would not have said those things the way I said them if I was looking him in the eyes.
I didn’t regret how I felt, but I regretted how I handled it. I needed to remember the person on the other side of the electronic communication was a human being that had feelings as well. Since then I have made the decision that if I cannot say it to the person face-to-face I will not post it on social media or respond via text or email.
Can you describe the evolution of your decisions? Why did you initially write the comment, and why did you eventually regret it?
We are relational beings, meant to be in face-to-face community with other people. When we do not have the ability to have good or difficult conversations face-to-face we lose the ability to understand how our words and actions affect others. This basic development becomes “arrested” or delayed if/when we are unable to develop this emotional intelligence. When we are behind a keyboard tapping on buttons and making comments, we don’t have the immediate response of being with someone and seeing their reaction(s) to our words. Therefore, if there is not an immediate consequence of our actions, we are empowered/emboldened to write whatever we feel and think we are justified in doing so. It becomes a different form of bullying, but the effects are similar to the type of bullying I received in the 90’s. If you won’t or can’t say it to someone face-to-face, don’t say it online.
When one reads the comments on Youtube or Instagram, or the trending topics on Twitter, a great percentage of them are critical, harsh, and hurtful. The people writing the comments may feel like they are simply tapping buttons on a keyboard, but to the one on the receiving end of the comment, it is very different. This may be intuitive, but I feel that it will be instructive to spell it out. Can you help illustrate to our readers what the recipient of a public online critique might be feeling?
Do you think a verbal online attacks feels worse or less than a verbal argument in “real life”? How are the two different?
In my opinion the one online feels worse than the one in “real life”. Why? Because the one online doesn’t allow the person being attacked to fully respond. Furthermore, the attack online is seen by hundreds if not thousands of people as it is shared, reshared, etc. If it was done in-person, only a handful of people might be present. The attack online is also permanent.
What long term effects can happen to someone who was shamed online?
One of the best documentaries on this topic is “#Being13” with Anderson Cooper. It shows the long-term effects of uncensured social media posts and the impact on those being shamed. The long-term effects are endless if you consider that fact that the digital footprint never goes away and if you consider the increase in suicides across our country due to on-going digital bullying.
Many people who troll others online, or who leave harsh comments, can likely be kind and sweet people in “real life”. These people would likely never publicly shout at someone in a room filled with 100 people. Yet, on social media, when you embarrass someone, you are doing it in front of thousands of even millions of people, and it is out there forever. Can you give 3 or 4 reasons why social media tends to bring out the worst in people; why people are meaner online than they are in person?
There is no instant accountability with social media…meaning, when I type something online, I have no instant feedback on how my words effected that individual. Without that feedback, I am unable to adjust my behavior, so I don’t hurt the other person.
There is no emotional or relational connection when social media is utilized, so we feel the freedom to say whatever we want.
When we have a “crowd” of followers “cheering us on” there becomes a “tribalistic mob mentality” that takes effect which can directly embolden the individual to push the limits.
In my opinion (and I’ve repeated this throughout this interview) we are meaner online because we are not looking that person in the eyes seeing the real time effects of our words.
If you had the power to influence thousands of people about how to best comment and interact online, what would you suggest to them? What are your “5 things we should each do to help make social media and the internet, a kinder and more tolerant place”? Can you give a story or an example for each?
Write out your post, and before you hit the send or submit button give yourself some space to think about two things. One, did I communicate what I wanted to communicate in the most effective way possible? Two, if the person was sitting in front of me and I was looking them in the eyes would I say what I’m about ready to post. (NOTE: I’ve worked with many individuals that would quickly say yes to both…but what I am advocating for is to truly put yourself in that position and imagine what it would be like to say it face-to-face…what would be the benefits? What would be the consequences?
Realize it is okay to have a different opinion than someone else. In the current state of society it appears that we either agree with each other or hate each other. There is a third option. It’s okay to have a different opinion and to disagree…what’s not okay is to insist the other person is evil or wrong because they have a different opinion. In my opinion, our society has lost the ability to have the hard conversations.
Don’t use social media to have hard conversations. Do it in person.
Work at assuming the best of others. This world is a hard-enough place on its own. If we could use social media as a platform for advocacy, social justice, encouragement, and empowerment it could be a powerful tool to unite and bring us together, rather than to tear us apart. In my opinion it starts with those in the spotlight.
Don’t forget the humanity of others. In my opinion, this is the most important reminder. If we can recognize each other’s humanity (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually), we will then pause before we lash out in anger, malice or frustration.
Freedom of speech prohibits censorship in the public square. Do you think that applies to social media? Do American citizens have a right to say whatever they want within the confines of a social media platform owned by a private enterprise?
Yes, I believe one of our greatest freedoms in this country is our freedom of speech. That should never be taken away. In my opinion, we have freedom of choice, but we are not free from the consequences of our choice. This should be the framework of how we interact on social media.
If you had full control over Facebook or Twitter, which specific changes would you make to limit harmful or hurtful attacks?
In all honesty, I wouldn’t change anything. What I would change is how we are as a society. I think we need to be teaching common respect and decency for all persons in the home, this needs to be taught in our schools, in our places of worship and from our leaders. In my opinion, if we focus on the humanity of others, our commonality, the importance of relationships and community, then that will be translated to how we engage on social media. Our electronics and everything that goes along with that is a wonderful and powerful tool. However, it is and has the potential to consume a generation. If we move away from face-to-face relationships were we have to engage mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually…this issue will only get worse.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
This is a quote that I’ve developed over the years and it is a good accountability for me as I interact with others: “When we choose to enter into a relationship(s) where we work closely with people, we forfeit the luxury of not knowing what is going on inside of us (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). When we work towards mental, emotional, and spiritual health, those around us will have a better chance of becoming mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.”
-Dr. Mark Mayfield
This quote reminds me of my unique responsibility to those in my world and to humanity in general. We all have a role to play in making this world a better place…no one is exempt.
We are blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)
Honestly, I would choose someone like Jimmy Fallon, Ellen DeGeneres, Tyler Perry, Peyton Manning, Oprah. Why? Because they are using their influence to make the world a better place for everyone!
How can our readers follow you on social media?
Facebook: @TheDrMayfield
Podcast: Candid Conversations with Dr. Mayfield (itunes, google play, etc.)
Instagram: drmark24
Website: www.drmayfield.com
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
